Talking to Children about Marital Problems
How to Reassure Kids When Parents Have Marriage Trouble
Nov 6, 2009
Even good marriages have times of conflict and disagreement. Arguments are bound to occur on some level in any marriage. Unfortunately, children pick up on conflict and feel less secure when there are marriage problems. Because of that, it's important to reassure children after arguing with a spouse and it's vitally important to get marriage help when needed.
Reassure Children that Mom and Dad Still Love and Respect Each Other in Spite of Arguments
After arguments, children need parents to affirm their love for each other. Because of this, it is important that parents don't just make up in private. If the children witness an argument between their parents, they also need to witness Mom and Dad apologizing, kissing, and making up.
It's not necessary for children to know all the details about the conflict, but it's best if parents don't shy away from acknowledging that they do have conflict from time to time, but that such conflict doesn't indicate a lack of love and respect for one another.
If there are siblings in the family, a parent can talk with the children about the fact that they sometimes fight with their brother or sister, but they would be very unhappy if anything ever happened to them. This can reinforce that conflict in relationships sometimes happens even when there is great love.
Children Need to See Parents Using Conflict Resolution Strategies
Children learn by example, and the home setting is the perfect place for them to learn about managing conflict. In a perfect world, children would never witness marital conflict, but since the world is less than perfect, marriage troubles provide an excellent opportunity to teach children conflict management skills.
Allow children to witness a calm discussion of differences, healthy negotiation on points important to each parent, and apologies and expressions of forgiveness when necessary. Parents who handle conflict wisely in front of their own children are more likely to raise children with healthy attitudes and good conflict management skills.
Work on Creating a Healthy Marriage
Even though conflict is inevitable in every marriage, it's important to be diligent in investing in the health of the marriage, particularly for married couples with children.
If conflict is more than an occasional problem, it is important to seek out marriage help. Marriage counseling is a worthwhile investment not only in the marital relationship itself, but it is also an investment in the emotional health of children.
Marriage counseling retreats and regular date nights are a good idea for ongoing marital happiness and should be practiced regularly by parents who want to live out a healthy marriage in front of their children.
Ideally Mom and Dad should communicate openly about such events with their children as a way to demonstrate that the commitment to marriage is strong.
It is impossible to avoid all conflict in marriage. When parents argue, reassuring children that Mom and Dad love and respect each other, demonstrating excellent conflict resolution strategies, and doing what it takes to create a healthy marriage are all ways to raise children who feel secure in the love their parents have for each other.
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